So here it is…the second instalment of my well-received diptych on order and chaos. Driven by my desires last week, I started with order…so I owe you chaos. And it won’t be difficult to share with you my perspective on this concept, as it is easy for me to relate my current life and undertakings to this force of nature. Yet, first, let me share with you what I see as CHAOS..
Chaos is the unforeseen. It is the feminine force. It’s the unknown, the unpredictable and all things unexplained. It’s the black in the Yin-Yang. It’s the black snake that slithers beyond the borders of what we perceive as safe and comfortable surroundings. Chaos lingers and is ever out there, out of our comfort as it thrives in discomfort.
Chaos perfectly compliments order. But without order there is no chaos. As I wrote in last week’s piece these are two opposite forces that together create the stable systems we live by, and the secure societies we live in. Metaphorically speaking, you can see these two as sibling children constantly clashing with each other, pushing and shoving for territory or the play thing they both want. And continue to do so until a status quo is reached, an equilibrium in which chaos, for a mere moment, rules over order or vice versa, and to make amends. I gather we can all relate to these situations in which we clash with something or someone, to fight for new ground, to the point we find new common ground. That’s the constant and ever-ensuing skirmish between chaos and order.
Lately I have come to crave more stability. As I wrote I feel too much is undecided, too much is left to chance, and nothing feels for sure these last few weeks. Even so though, this week, I can see change sailing on the horizon. I have spend much time in deep meditation, synthesising and integrating new learnings and realisations, and within its equanimity I found my stability. Also, I have had multiple deep and nurturing conversations with my partner to seek alignment, and with a much-needed sense of stability as a result. And as I feel the white of the Yin-Yang winning territory within me, I lean more, though little, towards chaos.
Easy it is to draw parallels between the enfolding of last two weeks and my inherent and innate search for stability. It’s a pattern. It, more or less, is my standard way of operating in this world. I need stability to be able to embrace chaos. In my post on creativity (into creation…) I shared with you my last year’s undertakings to free the chaos residing within me. To have it flow more freely, through an outlet of creativity. To acknowledge more this side to me, an integral part of me since birth. As I grew up I came to rely on controlling all things uncontrollable. I have always leaned heavily towards order, and have tried, in vain, to avert all things unexpected and un-predictable. I even, for parts of my adult life, have made my job out of controlling, and containing the consequences of unpredictable and inevitable situations; I earned a living off of being a (financial) controller for small and large organisations. And in other words I made it my life’s work to control both outer and inner chaos.
All this with the result of a lack of balance, or so to say, a dictatorial reign of order over chaos. An explanation for which is to be found in my ever-present fear of failure, and the feeling I never-ever am enough. However, I have worked hard on recovering, and creating more balance. The freeing of my creative side being an example, for example. And as I am recovering and now established a more healthy balance between my chaotic and orderly sides, I see better now I need good stability to be able to embrace the potency and potential of my chaos. Because, you see,
I am chaos.
I am creative.
A creator.
I am jazz.
I am Sacral Jazz, a short poemBut to be this I need stability and all essential things (roof over my head, food in the fridge, visa in place, future plans in sight) to be in order. To illustrate this I will share with you a small observation I made in my mother’s behaviour. She is a creative. A fashion designer, and the success of her business relies on her ability to let chaos reign. To have the unpredictable spring from her mind, and innovative inspiration to flow on paper (literally!) she needs order. And, ever so often, when I call her and she needs to tap into her creativity for a design assignment she informs me she first needs to clean and tidy her house. In other words, she first needs to clean her creative window before she is free to open it. And I see similar patterns in my behaviour towards imminent chaos.
So last week I spoke about wanting more stability, and I saw it as a sign I am preparing to invite more chaos into my life. And it is true. I know large changes are indeed on the horizon, and feel I will go through another stage of self-development from which I will rise even more a man I already am. I feel I will be more creative, and create the foundations (the order!) for the future stages of my life. But also I feel there will times of drastic change for me as an individual. And as this means parts of me need to die (figuratively speaking!), and old reasoning and convictions (my current set of rules and regulations in place!) need to be overwritten, I know I need to be able to rely on a stable base. And it is this - like my mother first needs to clean before being creative - I have been creating for myself these last few weeks. The bedrock on which I will built the next part of my life is construed, and for this I am proud…
So then, before I end this piece, this post on chaos, it feels right to leave you, my readers, with an inquiry. In my opinion, I, we, the West have been overly focused on establishing order, and on creating a world without chaos. A global society void of chaos. The net of regulations and rules is ever-tightening and we try to, like I did as a controller, rule over predictability and rule out the unexplained. From my perspective we, as humans, are concentrating too much on creating comfort zones, in which chaos has no foothold. And as I illustrated at the start chaos is like a snake hiding beyond the the borders of our orders and relishes discomfort. And it is when we are here, out of our comfort zones, we change. The discomfort is what we need to embrace to change for the better. To become better and more aligned human beings, in sync with their essence, and so my question to you is: do you dare go there and pet the snake - haha! - or asked differently: ‘how can you let your chaos reign a little more?’
That’s my inquiry for you. But also an invitation. It’s what I want for you, to let chaos reign a little more so you allow change and become the person you want to be. The version of self you like to see. It’s what I long for...for you to be true, to you, and to come closer to the truth, of you. As I do, every day. For as long as I live and can remember. I am very curious to hear the thoughts and feelings rising to the surface for you after reading and being with this inquiry. I will share my celebrations for you when you do! And with that I will leave you today. I thank you, once again, for your endless support and for reading my posts and perspectives on Past, Present and Future.
Until next week, Ciao!
Yours truly,
Nick
PS: please remember, all this is a perspective, one true as it is mine.
PS: haven’t had a chance to read my post ‘…into order’? click the link!