My word for the year 2022, is “TRUST”.
For years I have not made resolutions for the new year. I failed to see the purpose, as I believed people only made them to make themselves belief life would be better. That if they would recommit to the same goals they committed to last new year’s day, they would create the sought-for change in life, or finally fulfil the old dreams gathering dust. Resolutions made only to be abandoned a short week after.
It was last year December, in a men’s circle, I was given a different perspective however. It was during one of those nurturing nights, feeling the heartfelt connection of men gathered to share life, I was introduced to the idea of having words as resolutions. The idea is simple, you choose up to three words that define what it is you want to invite in your life for the year to come; words that resonate so they become a reminder for what you want to work on (i.e. daring or disagreeableness), what you want to create for yourself (i.e. wealth or stability) or, simply, what you need more of (i.e. courage or self-love). And you wear these words, throughout its days and months, like a sweater that sometimes feels like a warm embrace and sometimes itches. An idea, a new take on resolutions, easy to adopt and commit to. And so, complimenting my practice of, with the year’s end in sight, reflect on the past year, my present and forthcoming future, I adopted the idea for 2022.
I chose one single word: TRUST.
As I write it down in capitals now it might as well be a word written on a tombstone. I can see the dark clouds looming over it, obscuring the last light that’s falling on its lettering. Its surrounded by a swamp, its smell suffocating, a terrain as difficult to traverse as it is for me to connect with this word. Can you tell I’m a thriller writer? Anyways…TRUST, translated as trust of self or self-believe, is a concept I have struggled with for most of my life, and am still struggling with to this day. I have always find it difficult to fully rely on self, and trust myself and my abilities. I have not learned to fully appreciate myself for who I am, and always had a hard time reminding myself of my own magnificence and my countless achievements. And as a result I have never really felt sure of self. So, over time, I have built a negative relationship with the word trust in the connotation of trusting self. Sure I have done a lot of mending, creating a more postive relationship over time, but the self doubt, I can tell you, is still there.
Also, when we look at the meaning of the word TRUST we see it surpasses our mere self-believe. When we, for example, say “just trust that everything will be alright”, we imply that we can rely on something else, some greater force at play, to trust things get better. We imply that we can call on this form, force or being, so we don’t have to trot through life all by ourselves. As a recovering controller (i.e. control-freak - why I use the word controller here is a question I’ll answer in another post), however, I have never believed there is something greater than ourselves, guiding us into the right direction. That we can simply trust the universe, or that a blueprint has been imprinted in our flesh and bones at birth and that life’s enfolding is purely predestined. These are concepts I found farfetched, illogical and ungraspable. With my urge to keep things under control, trying to prevent each and every deviation from plan, the existence of this inexplainable factor and external force was too difficult to accept. Yet this year made me come to terms with its existence.
Because, since I took TRUST as my single-word-resolution for the year, I have been challenged - and I mean, really challenged - in not only trusting self, but also in trusting and believing something greater has my back. Over the course of the last few months, several major incidents have played out, making it difficult for me NOT to believe.
The Villa
I live in Bali. The housing market here is, as you might expect, uncontrolled and so its not weird to be confronted with absurd and groundless price-increases when renegotiating your lease. So were my partner an I. We, however, never even came to the stage where we, as lessees, had a say. We were simply informed of a twenty-five percent, non-negotiable, increase in our monthly rate if we were to extend. From our perspective, the villa would lose’s its value for money and so we decided not to extend. At that point I was going through a phase with lots of emotional upheaval as I integrated self-realisations from an intense period of personal growth. So, to say I was not looking forward to move house, is an understatement. I was not willing to let go of my safe haven, my routines and surroundings. I was holding on to them for dear life, trying to control this situation. Knowing the house search on Bali can be a tedious process, the fact I would lose the security of having a roof over my head caused me unsurmountable amounts of stress. I told my partner I did not have the energy to submit myself to this process again, and so, after hours of conversations with my very supportive partner - love you L! -, we settled by seeing the situation as an experiment. We called on the universe and committed to trusting that it somehow, someway, would provide us with the calm and safe space we needed for our next phase. We set intentions together, and left it for the gods to decide where we would end up. I tell you..it was after some days we found an advertisement for a place in a small village, far from the villa we were to leave. We contacted the agent, visited the place the next day - revisited the place within an hour because we failed to see its perfection the first time - and instantly fell in love with it. And so a week after a price-increase forced us to move, and only days after committing ourselves to TRUST we leased our next home. I had surrendered to trust, and was rewarded for it.The Accident
We then moved in. I was ready to leave behind that period of insecurity, of instability of self, of constant self-consciousness. I wanted to settle into this oasis of calm and peace, surrounded by rice fields, five minutes walk from the ocean. I planned to come up for some much-needed air, catch my breath and see what this next villa, this next phase, had in store for me. For months I had wanted to work on my future expressions ( I hate to say ‘creating a business) and to further my endeavours towards creating new streams of income. As it is a integral part of my future plan, I was still committed to writing my book every other day. One morning I was driving home, a twenty-minute drive from the coffee place I was writing. I was stressed to get home on time for no particular reason, and as I was speeding I slipped. A one-sided accident…I’ll spare you the details, but believe me when I say I was injured. I called a friend, living close by, who then came to the rescue After getting patched-up by a doctor, a period of recovery what was in store for me. One small slip-up, one minor fail, changed my entire outlook for the months to come. I was pissed. I had different plans. The controller in me had a hard time accepting the off-chance of falling and injuring myself. And I beat myself up and down for having been so careless. I beat myself up for failing myself. And I stopped trusting myself. Fortunately enough though, I was forced to take a breather, to take some time off to slow-down and mend. I was given time to reflect on my life, on the past period, and self. I spent hours ‘doing nothing’ for the sake of healing, and, I tell you, it felt good. It was exactly what I needed, and exactly what I had asked for: I had wanted time to integrate, be with myself and take care of self (first self, then others!). It was perfect. And with the passing of days, stagnant and slow, I became more aligned with self and sure of self. I had accepted this unexpected initiation into trust and came out as better man.The Current Episode
Then, Risen from the fire and back on my own two feet, I was ready to come closer to fulfilling my purpose. For months I had wanted to create something from the core of being and find my truest and most aligned expression of self. I was ready to take things to the next level, and to start walking into the void. But clearly… I was not ready. Every following morning I woke with my mind filled with expectations. With expectations for myself. Expectations for what to do and who to be. With expectations for the future. Every minute not spent thinking about, or working on, my next expression, I decided, was a minute wasted. And thereby I was forcefully trying to fulfil my future. I was focused only on the outcome, and failed to see the value of the journey. I wanted to have a though-out plan to be on purpose. And in an attempt to try and control the unknown I tried to think through every intricate step of its way. I was anxious and afraid. And because of it I froze. I was walking in circles, my soul numb and sore from the force I applied. I was not walking into the void, but around its edges. I failed to take a single step forward, out of fear for its real depths. I was unsure, both of self and my truth. And I fell into another hole filled with, not fulfilment but with frustration. I had fits and worried myself sick. I had, for a moment, forgotten about my commitment. My commitment to the word TRUST as my two-syllable mantra for the year.I forgot to TRUST myself,
I forgot to TRUST my Uniqueness
I forgot to TRUST the Universe
I forgot to TRUST God and his plan for me, and
I forgot to play, I forgot to be free and I forgot to be me
But as soon as I realised this, I found the courage to commit myself to trust again. Things started to change. I found freedom and started doing things; small things, but true. Things that spark joy in me. I cooked. I painted. Wrote Poems. Looked, at life and my partner. I sat by the sea watching the surf. I started writing words, not of prose, but of truth. And inspired by what else is possible, I started writing these posts. I found my flow, my creativity and some form of purpose. I started walking, not around its edges, but right into the void itself. All because I was committed to TRUST.
So here I shared some of this year’s most significant initiations into trust. And as you can see, there is theme to them: in my search for safety and security (my home, health or wealth), and in my wish to know the unknown, I forgot to rely on self. I forgot there is some form of deity or unexplainable force, which, no matter the circumstances, always has my back. And only when I remind myself of my own magnificence and of the Universe’s existence, and trust them true, I find the safety I require. I find safety by being me. I find safety in the stretched net, ready to catch my fall, if only I commit to fail and be free. A lesson learned. A nugget of truth, found within me, shared now with you..
I promise I will continue to commit myself to TRUST. Curious and excited I am to see what other invitations or initiations into trust will come my way this year. I am sure I have become more conscious of the need to trust, as it stops me from walking in circles and makes me move forward in life. Also, I am thrilled to hear which words you want to commit to in your adoption of this failsafe way of making resolutions. Do leave them in the comments!
Finally I want to send you off with another significant truth: I will soon start offering my wisdom and material on PERSPECTIVE. Also, I want to start opening up spaces for one-on-one mentoring (in which I will walk alongside you as you willingly walk into the void that is yours to walk into). So, stay tuned…and, in meantime, subscribe to receive my gold in writing!
I trust you
I trust myself
and you can trust I will,
forever, for self,
Salve!
Yours truly,
Nick
True meaningful wisdom.
Looking forward to your new posts Nick.