As I write these first two words my heart starts pounding in my chest. My throat is dry and my breathing becomes shallow. It’s fear I feel. A fear I hold dear, because although its feel costs me dearly it too brings me salvation; staring this fear in the face sets me free, you see.
I fear losing love, and losing people loving me, reasons for which can be found, freely, in the lack of love I’m able to give myself. A subject, or deficiency of self, I share about later but for now I want you to know, as I am writing, I feel love for self. Enough to share the following.
Do you fear for what is to come? Do you fear there is heaviness forthcoming in this post? Fear not, because its lightness and brightness I want to share with you. I feel it could be rather fulfilling and filling one’s heart hearing what I have to tell you.
Because I want to share someone with you. Only for a short moment though, as she is very dear to me. It’s someone I lost but love more now than when she lived. Don’t get me wrong I loved her very much, my grandmother, when she was still among the living, but it’s only after her passing, grave and unfair as it was, I came to learn what she really meant to me. She was special my grandmother, you see. My oma. She was a mentor to me. She was a saint for seeing me. I see her as a soul always in search of me. The real me. The truth of me. As it was through her eyes I saw myself. Through her love I loved myself. Through her feelings for me, I found myself. And therefore, to me, she was love embodied.
As a child I cried for her death. I froze in feeling her love was lost. I feared no more feeling the gifts she gave me: her affection, her appreciation, her adoration. Disheartened as I was, back then, I was not able to attend her funeral. Don’t be mistaken, I was there physically, a forlorn child, but not emotionally, spiritually, energetically. I don’t know what happened, but I just couldn’t bare being present, being there, burying her, a love I loved so dearly. And because of it, I never felt I said my goodbyes to her and bid her farewell in a way worthy and honourable.
Therewith, I trapped my emotions of grief and loss, and snared feelings of love.
All until I chose to set free this energy no more in motion, and freed myself. It was in a session with my coach and mentor on Bali, dealing with my deficiency to love myself. It was then the loss of my grandmother surfaced. Not so strange seeing what she stood for, what she meant to me. Digging deep I realised it was time to let go, of not having been able to say my proper goodbyes, and honour her passing in proper fashion, one more aligned and alive for me than the traditional way in which we, for a final time, celebrated her life when I was child. I saw her fly and soar before me. I saw her spirit circle me, and finally, I saw her soul set off for good, free to forever safeguard me from the heart. I waved, trembling with the truth of that moment, and said my goodbyes, knowing I set energy in motion, love that forever would stay with me.
Now, as an adult I cry for her absence. I do, but the feelings of loss and mourning have made place for one of profound gratitude; gratefulness for my memory of her. For having met her. For having shared life with her. For having felt her love, for me, and for her teaching me how to love myself. And though I am far from done learning to love myself more, I know now that with the love I thought I lost I gained more. And will, day by day, receive more by loving self. And will fear losing love less because I have more for self.
This is truth. A precious post from the heart, written in loving memory of my grandmother, Toos Slegers-Hoppenbrouwers. May you forever find peace, and forever live on, teaching those in need how to love themselves more. As you did for me. I love you!
Forever yours (truly), much love, Nick
PS: Permitte divis cetera, leave the rest to the gods.
Permitte divis cetera, leave the rest to the gods. Heartfelt piece, Nick. Certain that oma is watchful and proud of the man you've become.
Heart opening, honest, vulnerable and powerful, love. And the photo of you and your Oma is so beautiful 🥰❤️