It feels right to return.
Like the moon’s lunar intensity I, too, wax and wane. At times I feel full, of life and force, and at times I feel crescent, void or merely gone. Though now I feel anew and renewed. And so, it feels right to return and find my way back to writing, and sharing, from my core. More energy is in store, that’s a fact, so I am ready to, once more, turn to truth. My truth.
Here goes!
These last few weeks are the first weeks I feel full - or nearly filled - again. Topped up, I feel, after periods of turmoil, depletion and near depression. To say the first months of this year were a struggle would be an understatement. It felt like facing a new and nearing storm, with a torment, forced and fuelled by old. By old beliefs returning, old patterns surfacing and past - or believed to be prior - states of being reappearing. I am back now, but boy was I riding waves, head on and hurting. With the storm enfolding, I found comfort in old versions of me, renditions I thought I had waved goodbye forever, but which easily rose to the surface again. The result, a tug of war, within and together, that left me threading water and, at times, drowning. Yet, I couldn’t be more grateful because…
…within all this tumult and turbulence I was forced to reflect and realise. To realise I was not, in fact, this old me. This young boy, I once was, gasping for air, care and consideration. But a man, newfound and alive, back from Bali and ready for more. More life. More love. More enlivened living, and more aligned than ever. I was A) new and B) born from realising this boy is no more. The young me not to be held off shore, but be kept aboard, and fed with inner love, and not to be seeking outer adore. I, a man, was not gone, nor cast adrift, not washed ashore but only shortly lost. Not abandoned, not forgotten, but merely lost, on me. As by braving the storm, its hurt and its hardship, I had found salvation in these age-old strands and cords, these old patterns born out of pain and for survival, which not served me anymore. And once realised, I let go of these ropes and swam avidly and ably to safety, with my newly found truths in tow. With trust, in knowing, that I am, and always was, a man safe - and home! - with self.
So now, with not only parts of me having died down but this storm too, things have settled. The water, warming by spring sunlight, is still and flat. As I overlook its smooth surface I see, in clear view, its horizon. Afar I see the future. A future calm and quiet, foretold by the gentle lapsing of the Mediterranean waves, its eb and flow dictated now by the new moon in Cancer. Not to say, of course, that in my life there will never be storm looming on the horizon, but for now I am able to face its forthcoming. More even I, slightly, look for its coming as I know that if I endure its force and breath though its thrust, it is truth which enfolds. It is me, the real me, who emerges from its blue and fearful folds. As now, having weathered another, I feel anew. Restored. Renewed, to my core and ready to share with you more. More of me, more of life and more of what is possible.
So I suggest you stay tuned for more truth!
Yours truly,
Nick